She picked up a copy of the book in the aftermath and begged Oprah to put the author on the couch. Downs’s invitation, as he understands it, came after the boyfriend of one of the show’s producers left her for a man. And his appearance on The Oprah Winfrey Show hasn’t hurt his cause. The Velvet Rage was first published in 2005, but it has been a slow-burn success – in each of his royalty statements Downs has noticed that sales have markedly increased. It is a controversial theory, but for a book whose only marketing campaign has been word of mouth, it is having a profound impact. “This anger pushes me at times to overcompensate and try to earn love and acceptance by being more, better, beautiful, more sexy – in short, to become something I believe will make me more acceptable and loved.”

“Velvet rage is the deep and abiding anger that results from growing up in an environment when I learn that who I am as a gay person is unacceptable, perhaps even unlovable,” he explains. Man orders fifth pint at the bar: “It’s OK, it’s just my velvet rage.” Boyfriend finds partner trawling through the thousands of profiles on sex-on-demand website Gaydar: “But it’s my velvet rage.”ĭowns coined the phrase to refer to a very specific anger he encountered in his gay patients – whether it was manifested in drug abuse, promiscuity or alcoholism – and whose roots, the book argues, are found in childhood shame and parental rejection. Its snappy title is slipping, sometimes ironically, into the gay lexicon.

The velvet rage